How to Talk with Your Family about Politics

I once saw a political comic that I wish I had saved.

Two people were conversing and one noted that “We were told to never converse about religion or politics. Now I have no idea how to talk about religion or politics.”

A cultural belief exists that says in order to understand each other we have to agree with each other. We create boundaries to connection. It may be true that I will never fully understand the experiences of a person of another gender, race, or orientation. But, the focus on my lack of perfect understanding leads to me being afraid to ask open and curious questions that could lead to empathy and compassion. 

Complicating the conversation is the fear of being open and vulnerable with each other. In her well known Ted Talk on vulnerability, Brene Brown argues that when we feel uncomfortable or afraid, “we make everything that’s uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. I’m right, you’re wrong. Shut up…. This is what politics looks like today. There’s no discourse anymore. There’s no conversation. There’s just blame.” Blame and, I would add, attack.

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Why Don’t We Understand Each Other?

Two significant things that get in the way are: 1. The emotional intensity 2. The lack of conversation skills. 

Senator John Danforth remarked, “The old adage that polite conversation should not include talk of politics or religion is understandable because both subjects are so heavily laden with emotion that discussion can quickly turn to shouting. Blood is shed over politics, religion and the two in combination.”

We care deeply about our faith and our political views. They form in tradition, experience, struggle, and are based in values we hold closely. Validly we want to defend our values, but defending does not prevent curiosity or understanding. 

Because of our desire to uphold and defend what we value, we spend much more of our time explaining than listening. We may even fear that listening may be giving the devil a foothold. Perhaps we can return to the primary commandments of loving God and loving people.

Put People First

Thomas Monson, a 21st century theologian reminded us to “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” (Finding Joy in the Journey) How many times did pious leaders attack Christ for eating with sinners or the unclean? 

The biggest arguments that I have had with my wife happen when both of us are “right” and we stop seeing each other as people. When I remember that I love my wife and that she is worthy of respect, then the issues and the “rightness” can be addressed with softness and love.

Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton have been described as “bitter enemies”. Yet, Jefferson wrote to Alexander’s son William “I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend.”

Listen with Curiosity

The author Jonathan Swift is quoted as saying, “You cannot reason a person out of a position he did not reason himself into in the first place.” Are we so stuck in our view that we cannot even explore why someone else would have a different view? How different would the recent political debates have been if both candidates entered with curiosity about the other person’s approach versus vitriol and the desire to set the other up for failure?

Can I explore the values that motivate someone I disagree with? What values drive liberal social programs? …conservative fiscal plans? …transgender efforts to seek legal support and recognition?

We forget sometimes that there are differing levels of communication. Is this a light social conversation, are we sharing opinions or more in depth feelings, being vulnerable? Sometimes more significant than the level of communication can be my desire to understand the speaker. Psychology today has a great blog Listening to Understand.

Treating People with Dignity

The Dignity Index provides a great outline of levels of dignity in interactions and tools to build respect in conversation:

So What?

Respecting people and having an understanding of their values can not only be challenging but scary. Open curiosity, at times, has caused me to challenge some well loved beliefs. That is not easy or comfortable.

In the end, it has not caused me to lose my faith but to strengthen it. I have questioned some misconceptions about my faith and come more humbly to God. I have learned to respect people more and have more compassion. 

Obviously, not everyone will be in a place to respond with dignity and respect. I don’t have to lose a friendship over it and I can still treat them with respect. I may also realize that I can’t have deep conversations with them. I wish I could change the political and religious landscape in the nation. That’s likely out of my control. But I can listen with the hope to understand and respond with respect and love even when our thoughts and values disagree. 

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Dan McClellan, LMFT received his Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy in 2005. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the states of Arkansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma. In his clinical work he enjoys counseling with individuals, couples, and families. He can be contacted at mcclellan_daniel@outlook.com and on his website https://www.mcclellancounseling.com/