Why Won’t My Husband Talk with Me?

I just want him to talk to me?

About what?

Doesn’t he care?

I’ve got nothing to say

I just want to connect.

I get so stressed when we talk.

Why is communication so hard? We talk with people all day. Why is it so hard to talk with those that we love?

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As simple as talking can be, true communication with a spouse can be quite complicated. At work we are imparting information. Many times that communication is to a superior or subordinate which is different from talking to an equal. Outside of family there is little desire to develop intimate emotional connection in conversation. Then there is the fact that up to 90% of communication is nonverbal (tone of voice, setting, body language, history, etc.). In a marriage we have much more emotional history than in other settings. 

Connection over Communication

There are many great skills that can help with communication. The overall goal of most is to manage our emotional/physical state and learn to listen to understand versus listen to respond. But before tools, we need to realize that the purpose of communication is the desire to connect.

One of the underlying struggles that gets in the way of connection is a fear shame-dynamic. Spouses tend to find connection in different ways. (The typical pattern is that women connect more through communication than men. Obviously not all patterns apply to all couples. Sometimes the husband wants to talk more than the wife. Even if your relationship does not follow this gender norm, there is likely still some level of fear and shame that undermine conversation.) 

Fear-Shame Dynamic

The fear-shame dynamic is about where we feel most vulnerable in our lives and relationships. 

In general, men’s most significant vulnerability is about failure or not being good enough. We want to be knights in shining armor. We want to be seen as capable and helpful. We want to fix problems. When we fail we feel shame. When shame comes we generally tend to ignore it, hide it under the bed or far back in the closet. If we talk about it we feel more shame so we let it go (or pretend it didn’t happen) and then move on.

Women typically are less focused on not failing and more worried about safety. When there is a sense that things are ‘off’ or uncomfortable, fear and insecurity start to increase. When that stress appears your natural response is to address it. You talk with friends, family, your spouse. By addressing fear healing can happen and fear will decrease. In good conversation your tension does decrease and you feel safe again. 

The problem comes is that sometimes talking about your fear triggers our shame, even in normal conversations.

Wife: I love my husband and want to know about his experience of the past 8 hours so I ask: “How was your day?” 

Husband: I had a bad day and want to forget about it and spend time connecting with my wife so I respond: “Fine”

W: What does ‘fine’ mean? Did I annoy him? Why is he so short with me? I want to know him so I ask “Is that all? Did your presentation go well?”

H: Oh no it sucked and I’d rather have a nice evening than relive how stupid I felt when my boss criticized it. My response: “It was fine, are we still watching a movie tonight?” 

Even in this normal conversation his shame has triggered her fear and her desire for connection has reminded him of the failures of the day. Imagine how much more that cycle can increase if they are talking about an actual marriage concern?

Responding to Fear and Shame

The keys to responding to fear and shame are perspective and compassion. 

Without awareness of the fear-shame dynamic, it is easy to trigger our partner. The conversation turns into a spiral of hurt and rejection versus understanding and connection. 

The first key to challenging the pattern is to be aware of your partner’s vulnerabilities. When my wife asks me a question, can I remember what she wants to feel safe? Can I accept that it is difficult for him to discuss subjects that may make him feel like a failure? Can I step away from the thought that her fear is neurotic or seeing him as a failure when he falls short?

Compassion is then responding to that vulnerability with tenderness not just tolerance. I allow them to make mistakes. 

I honor my husband as a man deserving respect despite his flaws and shortcomings. I provide encouragement and notice what they do well. I also provide a safe place for them to admit flaws. I remember that talking can add to stress for my husband.

I recognize my wife’s need to feel safe and that she does so by talking. I manage my own stress that comes as she brings up concerns and even share that stress in our conversation. I look for ways to show her that I am present and our marriage is safe. 

Spiritual Side

It would seem that relationships are one of God’s principle tools to help us overcome our selfish nature. It would seem that Christ’s council to “be one” (John 17:21) is most significant in our closest relationship. It also takes the most work in a marriage! We are different due to personality, gender, family history, hopes, etc. 

A Christlike individual accepts and values those differences and learns to follow the council of Paul: “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:21-22, 25 KJV).

Submitting to each other isn’t a passive giving in. Submitting is an act of trying to see their perspective and respond to love and patience. 

So What?

We are imperfect and all our relationships will be imperfect. That is okay. 

The problem comes if we are not willing to learn and change. 

What can I do to address fear and shame?

Husband: On my way home I can think of what I want to share with my wife so she can feel safe and loved

Wife: I can explore how I can help my husband see that I love and respect him

H: I can address her feelings when she presents a concern versus jumping to fixing it

W: I can acknowledge that his fear to talk is driven by a desire to connect not a desire to avoid me

Marriage is designed to take work but as we put in the work it can be the most protective and meaningful relationship in our life. 

If you want to read more on this you can look at this link on fear and shame. You can learn more on how to manage it with this great book or by booking an appointment. 

Dan McClellan, LMFT received his Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy in 2005. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the states of Arkansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma. In his clinical work he enjoys counseling with individuals couples, and families. He can be contacted at mcclellan_daniel@outlook.com and on his website: mcclellancounseling.com