Surviving Perfectionism

We walk into church late…as always!

My oldest is grumpy, my second looks like he’s homeless (shirt untucked and stained, hair uncombed, and nothing matching), and my daughter is crying, again.

I take the walk of shame during the opening hymn, walking past reverent children, in their best clothes, who are singing along to hymns. 

All eyes are on my circus.

Why is my life so chaotic? How come my family is so unorganized? What’s the cost of my desire to be perfect?

The Cost of Perfectionism

Perfectionism leads to shame, loneliness, fear, comparison, and stress.

Of course we all hope to be and present our best. Perfectionism leads us to feel that our best is never enough. 

It is human to compare and contrast and desire to fit in. Unfair and unrealistic comparison leaves us feeling less than or more than the people around us. We stop seeing ourselves and others as acceptable and worthy of love.

Focusing on shortcomings can help us know what to correct. An unbalanced focus on failure leaves us forgetting the good we do and not seeing ourselves as we truly are. 

Changing our Perfectionism

Ironically, the way to challenge perfectionism is to accept perfectionism. 

1. Acknowledge your desire to be perfect or at least exceptional. If you try to get rid of the thoughts, you’ll fail and then be mad at yourself for not perfectly stopping perfectionism.

2. Evaluate the thought: Is it kind? Does it help me today? Will it still help me tomorrow or a year from now?

3. Accept that your hope is to be better and you’re probably already growing. (Measuring growth is not done day to day, but month to month and year to year. Not was I better or worse yesterday, but have I grown since last month or year.)

4. Focus on progress and effort, not just the outcome. 

5. Give yourself grace to fail.

We also need to learn to manage the feelings produced by perfectionism, for example:

Comparison: acknowledge that comparison is normal but that we never can fully understand where the other person is. Challenge comparison with gratitude for your strengths and weaknesses and their strengths and weaknesses

Shame: acknowledge fault and short coming but also acknowledge effort. Separate mistakes from self. I was late but that does not mean that I’m lazy.

Spiritual Side

Didn’t Christ say: “Be ye therefore perfect” Matthew 5:48 KJV? Of course he did and almost any scripture taken alone can become a burden if not balanced with more doctrine. Was he not “ wounded for our transgressions, [and] bruised for our iniquities” Isaiah 53:5 KJV. He had mercy and patience with a woman caught in adultery and was unconcerned by Paul’s thorn in his flesh. (John 8, 2 Cor 12)

Of course Christ has high expectations, but he has eternal patience for those that try.

A spiritual scholar stated “except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call toxic perfectionism.” Jeffery Holland.

So What?

I still walk into church late sometimes. 

My kids are still a mess, they’re kids. I still get a little embarrassed by them, I’m still human. (I actually don’t take my kids to church to learn who to be perfect but to learn how to respond to imperfection.)

I try to keep my shame glasses off. Without them I notice that others aren’t perfect either, for which I’m grateful. 

I still find myself comparing, but I’ve learned to not believe everything I think.. 

When self-criticism comes, I try to balance it with grace.

I was never great at being perfect, now I’m working on accepting my imperfect efforts to be imperfect.

Dan McClellan, LMFT received his Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy in 2005. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the states of Arkansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma. In his clinical work he enjoys counseling with individuals, couples, and families. He can be contacted at mcclellan_daniel@outlook.com and on his website: mcclellancounseling.com