Raising Resilient Children

Another trip to the allergy clinic, twice a week, three shots each time.

It was miserable enough to force my six year old through the allergy testing. It was no surprise that he was very allergic to almost everything outside. His suffering from spring through fall in the south were obvious indications of that. 

But to take this child to get stabbed with needles that seemed long enough to hit the bones in his scrawny arms, It feels like torture. I wish I could get the shots for him. I wish he could be outside without being miserable. I wish his life could be easier…but is that wise?

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Is Suffering Inherent in Life?

There are few things more painful than watching your children suffer.

It’s hard enough to let them skin their knees, crash a bike, go to school for the first time, face a hard test, etc. 

Normal growing pains are uncomfortable for children and their parents.

It’s harder when the suffering seems unreasonable: a cruel teacher, a harsh coach, an inconsiderate friend. 

It’s almost unbearable when the suffering is caused by the evils of abuse, war, and trauma.

What Is the Value of Challenge

Neil Anderson has observed, “In nature, trees that grow up in a windy environment become stronger. As winds whip around a young sapling, forces inside the tree do two things. First, they stimulate the roots to grow faster and spread farther. Second, the forces in the tree start creating cell structures that actually make the trunk and branches thicker and more flexible to the pressure of the wind. These stronger roots and branches protect the tree from winds that are sure to return.” (Liahona, “Spiritual Whirlwinds” April 2014).

Overprotection leads to kids that are unprepared to face life. When I was young, the overprotective parent was called the helicopter parent. They would swoop in and rescue a child from hard situations and even consequences of their actions. Now we have snowplow parents, who try to clear their children’s path of all obstacles and discomfort.

Parenting to Protect vs. Parenting to Prepare

The last time that any parent had 100% control over their child was in utero before they had the strength kick and move. From that point on they become increasingly independent, refusing to sleep when I want, not eating what is offered, talking back, making friends and choices I don’t like…

As we raise infants and young children we have a great responsibility to protect them. At the same time, we should quickly see that they need to learn principles and concepts that help them to protect themselves. It is one thing to teach children “stranger-danger” and another to help them learn when and how to reach out to someone when they need help.

Protecting our children from all of the stress of life, protects them from many of the experiences that would help them to become the adults that we hope they will become. 

What Does Preparation Look Like

At its core, preparation focuses on allowing children to make choices and have experiences that build their sense of self and help them manage failure and disappointment. 

Focusing on preparation does not mean that I stop protecting my children. It does mean that I hope to involve them in the discussion of what is safe and what is not. I discuss age-appropriate principles of healthy relationships, social media, interests, etc. instead of making all the decisions for them unilaterally. 

Here are a few ideas that can help:

• Encourage kids to do things that make them uncomfortable (chores, sports, academics, etc.)

• Allow for failure and help kids learn from it. 

• Let them suffer, particularly if it is a consequence of their behavior and even if the consequence is too big for the crime.

• Recognize effort over intelligence or skill.

• Don’t solve every conflict, replace every broken toy, or entertain every bored child.
  

It is unlikely that anyone is plowing the way for you and making your life smooth and comfortable. It is best for children to learn that they can do hard things when they have your loving support versus when they are facing an ambivalent or antagonistic world.

So What?

Eight years later, my son still gets allergy shots and still hates them. 

My wife, son, and I explored stopping them and gave him the choice. At the same time we looked at how he can be outside without suffering and how he never would have been able to run track or cross country without them. 

He chose to continue with shots. I still don’t like to see him suffer when his skinny arms get stabbed. 

I do have great pride that he has been able to see that temporary suffering can lead to significant gains in the future. That lesson can never be learned if we never let our kids experience life.

Dan McClellan, LMFT received his Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy in 2005. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the states of Arkansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma. In his clinical work he enjoys counseling with individuals, couples, and families. He can be contacted at mcclellan_daniel@outlook.com and on his website https://www.mcclellancounseling.com/